What you should know

The article below is very informative and well-written and originally appeared in the Stripe, the newspaper of Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, DC.

Since we didn't think we could write a better article about what to expect after coming home from a deployment, we've decided to simply reprint the article from Stripe.

If anyone has any additional input, or feels there's been some information left out of the article below, please email the web team and pass it on.
 

Post-deployment homecomings can be challenging
By Brian Trapp, Army News Service

A deployment's strain on a relationship doesn't end when the Soldiers come home. Stresses of readjustment to family life can be tough on a family, too.

"While on a real-world deployment, Soldiers deal with stresses of the unknown, being away from their family, and there is a 'no-kidding' life and death struggle," said Lt. Col. John C. Chin, an Army psychologist, who has worked with special operations the majority of his career. "When Soldiers get a sense of mortality, it wakes them up, and they realize it's their family and children who matter the most. If they maintain a solid foundation in those areas, it makes for a better life."

There are more concerns for younger marriages, Chin said. Spouses are faced with new challenges, like financial and child care concerns and become more independent and may feel contempt for the returning Soldier for taking some of their independence.

During redeployment, family members typically deal with conflicting emotions. There is the excitement that the Soldier is coming home. On the other hand, there is some apprehension, according to the Department of the Army study "The Emotional Cycle of Deployment, a Military Family Perspective."

Some concerns include: "Will I give up my independence? Will we get along?"

Ironically, even though the separation is almost over, there can be renewed difficulty in making decisions.

"Soldiers reconnecting with family are coming from profound emotional experiences, and the spouses also had these experiences, dealing with day-to-day issues by themselves, financial issues, taking care of the children and gaining independence, Chin said.

"Sometimes partners can't understand what the other was dealing with while they were apart," he said. "It's better to ease into the relationship -- maintaining a degree of independence and not to push spontaneous reconnection. It's a new relationship. Both partners have changed from their experience."

Many spouses also have a burst of energy during this stage, according to the study. There is often a rush to complete "to-do" lists before their mate returns -- especially around the home. It is almost inevitable that expectations will be high.

Homecoming for the Soldiers can be a joyous occasion, but also a frustrating one.

The date of return may change repeatedly. Despite best intentions, the spouse at home may not be able to meet the returning Soldier -- short notice, sitters can't be found in the middle of the night, unable to get off work.

Soldiers may expect to be received as "heroes" and "heroines" only to find that they have to make their way home.

The reunion with the children can also be a challenge. Their feelings tend to depend on their age and understanding of why the Soldier was gone.

Babies younger than 1-year-old may not know the Soldier and cry when held, according to the study. Toddlers may be slow to warm up to them.

Pre-schoolers may feel guilty and scared of the separation. School age children may want a lot of attention. Teen-agers may be moody and may not appear to care.

In addition, children are often loyal to the parent who remains behind and do not respond to discipline from the returning Soldier, according to the study. They may also fear the Soldiers return if a parent says, "Wait till Daddy gets home."

Eventually, Soldiers will want to reassert their role as members of the family, which can lead to tension, according to the study. This is an essential task and requires considerable patience to accomplish successfully. It is not realistic to return home and expect everything to be the same as before the deployment.

Reconnecting and understanding both have changed sometimes during the deployment is critical, Chin said. The Soldier may become a control freak but must realize the spouse gained independence during their time apart, and that's a good thing. It helps take some of the day-to-day responsibilities off of the Soldier.

Soldiers may not approve of privileges granted to children by the non-deployed parent, according to the study. However, it is probably best for the Soldier not to try to make changes right away and to take time to renegotiate family rules and norms. Not heeding this advice, the Soldier risks invalidating the efforts of their mate and alienating the children.

Soldiers may feel hurt in response to such a lukewarm reception, according to the study. Clearly going slow and letting the children set the pace goes a long way toward a successful reunion.

Post-deployment is probably the most important stage for both Soldiers and spouse. Patient communication, going slow, lowering expectations and taking time to get to know each other again is critical to successful reintegration of the Soldier back into the family.

The separation of deployment provides Soldier and spouse a chance to evaluate changes within themselves and what direction they want their marriage to take. Although a difficult as well as joyful stage, many military couples have reported that their relationship is much stronger as a result.

"NCO and officer leadership need to know their people intimately," Chin said. "Family support groups need to reach out to the young folks, particularly the ones who don't participate, to prepare them for the stresses of deployment."

Army Installations offer a wide range of service and support for Soldiers and their families, including counseling from mental health professionals, chaplains and Army Community Service advocates.